Closed Chapters and Open doors...

It's late at night. These are my think-box hours. This will be a very different kind of read. I have felt this extreme sadness lately. I did not know what to do with it so I just sat in the murk. I know what you are thinking "spiritual warfare". Nahh, it ain't that. I was deeply self reflecting. It felt like I was at an empty lot watching a drive through movie from the lenses of a 60's movies. I found a really curious article speaking on how most remakes just don't do it like the original and it's extremely hard to replicate.

I know we want to "kumbaya" everything away and btw I know it's "come by here". I have witnessed a self kind of death. The one that really stung was the love death. I had a conversation with someone who meant a lot to me. That one person who is/was your person through thick and thin. I would have sold my kidney for them. LOL My heart had really craved them for so long. I wasn't really aware until I was in their presence. After the call , it hit me that things would never be the same. The inside jokes, the corny phrases, the deep seated laughter would never be the same. I had hadn't laughed that hard in a long time. It felt really really good.

I wanted to tell them please don't hung up. One more hour or a century, please. This is familiar and comfortable. I love it here and I want to stay but it hit deeper when I realized God will never call you to comfort not if he is going to use you. In that moment, I had a sniffle and vent moment with God. It was a mixture of so many "Why's" and "How's" and it wrapped up with an "okay, fine. I will do it but only for you." It just hit me as I am writing this that I was literally sitting in a "count the cost" moment and boy did it sting. Again, I pose the question, what do you do when your past does not want you back but your new is almost giving you crippling anxiety?

One more hug, one more laugh, one more trip, one more "cheat day"(this is food related just to be clear), one more dance. It's a different kind of grief. It like slowly watching the text rubbing off the chart. Oh well, ashes to ashes, dust to dust I guess.

My "Yes" to the lord came with a forfeit. At first, it felt hopeful, full of so much water, flourishing seasons, it felt new and adventurous now there is a sinking reality that the one thing I was running away from hugged me so tightly and refused to let me go. That bitter sweet pill is called change. It stares at you right in the eye and you are shy at first because staring is so weird and unsettling but soon enough it will grab you by the chin, turn your head gently and say, "Look at me. I am right Infront of you." It's the mirrors whose reflection you cannot miss.

It makes you realize the importance of the moment not next month, not next year but NOW. I lived in my head all my life because the outside was too scary. It was much safer creating scenarios than actually living them. I was the awkward girl at the corner who secretly judged people and had her own inside jokes with her fast racing brain. On that rollercoaster of a journey, I met people who were worth a stop and stare moment. We did not do absolutely of anything that glorified God but I wouldn't change anything. We laughed, danced, sang and sometimes I want to go back and freeze those happy moments and stay in them a little longer like a paused scene but the holy spirit pulls up and he says," I know...but it's time to go."

By far, I do not believe physical change is worse than emotional, spiritual and mental change. It still suck a lot but the other "triplets" are the loaded missile. They push, pull, cut and drag everything in you. You try to fight to stay in certain chapters longer and to grab on to the sweet memories more but God needs the new wine to poured into the new you. Your "YES" to God is not like lying that you can work under pressure when you clearly can't and hope to the same amazing God, you can handle it but it's a shift that you have no control over and that is my struggle.

I see new doors as a chance for new experiences and new fond memories. Trust me, it's beautiful but not when you have to slice down your "camel" a few notches down through a needle stick. Not when you have to say goodbye to a version of you that almost understood you. Not when you have to walk in an orchestrated journey while everything in you wants to run. I feel like a toddler at a new preschool with no friends but has to mingle and figure it out. This season is exactly that. I have come to a place where I recognize that we attach ourselves more to fantasy not the actuality. God through the holy spirit spits truth no lies and that's hard to accept. There is a major difference between His truth and my truth.

My truth is that this sucks and I do not want to change and why should I? His truth is you are made for more. Just keep moving. Just a few more steps. It will be more than you even asked for. I realize that my new doors will be a series of sitting on the edge of the seat. That my friends is not happy place, especially for me and my flash for a brain but deep down, I have a knowing that mediocrity will never be my immediate cousin. I have to be okay with the fact that I will somethings cannot come into the new but will always be a chapter and an episode of the greatest series of all time.

All I have now is a maybe. Maybe it won't be that bad. Maybe it will get better. Maybe I will like it. My tough love push and pull love with surrender and uncertainty continues. Don't stray too far away. Grab your popcorn. We are about to go on a think-box ride. Just like the old times only this time; Jesus Christ is driving, God is on Google maps and holy spirit is well... doing what he does best cheese at the sight of us freaking out LOL

I know this blog article is not the usual but I am one who does not mind being politically incorrect on this religion streets. If you have any judgmental comments to make, I suggest you don't it's easier for everybody. I love you with the love of the lord.